Thank you for being my voice. #RIPCHESTER

The thing that hits me as I grow older is that people keep dying. When you're a kid, it's maybe the famous people you faintly know on TV, or a great-grandparent you are too young to really remember (my heart goes out to anyone who had a traumatic loss as a child). The older I get, the more I find it's the celebrities that I listened to and grew up with... The deaths in our own communities become people we had closer relationships, closer members of our family and friends.

In terms of celebrity, no death has hit me quite as hard as that of Chester Bennington. For so many reasons... some of which I will try to get down here.

It is such an odd feeling, as I haven't really followed them for a long time... More than that, they are so deeply ingrained in the 00s nu-metal scene... I can't be the only person that loved them as a teen, then "grew out" of them... Thinking they were the heaviest metal I ever heard in my youth, whilst thinking of those songs more like pop music really as an adult. This isn't me trying to slate the band, I'm trying to explain my honest thoughts before Chester's death... And what I would probably think still were he still with us.

The honest truth is, despite these thoughts... I fucking love Linkin Park. It's so easy, with hindsight, to see them as that poppy, teeny band with baggy trousers pretending to be rockers. But the reality is they were a huge influence... There is no one quite like them. And I'd argue, without Linkin Park, there would be fewer fans of rock music in the world.

Up to the moment that they came onto the scene, even nu-metal had that feeling of sweary, screaming, sex-obsessed rocky stoners. Linkin Park crossed that divide with more melodic vocals, more personal emotions and a unique innocence that is incredibly rare in any form of popular music these days (highlighted by the fact their first two albums, as far as I'm aware, had no swearing). Few of those listening would even realise these lyrics were written by a guy who suffered child abuse; they spoke to anyone and everyone going through school and feeling their voice wasn't being. They spoke to anyone that ever felt they weren't being listened to (which, really, at some points is all of us). And they literally crossed genres, between hip-hop and metal, between rapping, screaming and singing. I remember the "Numb/Encore" mash-up being on the charts forever, and it's easy to see why... It could appeal to such a massive audience.

The band used this to grow into other genres... To a certain extent, trying to disown their previous work. I can understand why. There are some that could describe Hybrid Theory and Meteora as a smear on their career... There are others that probably felt like me, feeling a bit too old to enjoy their older work, but not really being a huge fan of their newer work. The reality is every album they released had sales most artists could only dream of. And, arguably, they had earned the right to put out whatever they wanted to create.

Despite some reports to the contrary, I had never, ever, gotten the impression they were "sell-outs", or that they were just trying to gain sales. In fact, the only time I had ever considered this was when Meteora was released (sounding like a continuation of Hybrid Theory). I still loved that album, however.

I'm realising I'm actually spending very little time on the man himself, but rather the band he was the lead singer of. All of my emotions seem tied to the work of the band itself... It was through this band that Chester spoke to me in tracks like In The End and Numb when I was suicidal, depressed, lonely. Part of me feels it's an exaggeration to put them on par with The Beetles, Michael Jackson, or David Bowie. But My honest opinion is that they had the same worldwide impact all these other artists had. And as a listener, you felt a certain, anonymous, intimacy with Chester. Without knowing his situation, you felt and empathised with the fact he was drowning in his skin... That, in the end, it didn't even matter.

This isn't more obvious than the recent music video to the track One More Light. It's a song I may never have listened to were it not for recent events. As the video went on, it was like watching a montage of my youth. With one event, that song now has such a powerful meaning for me... Like the band's own epitaph. You listen and, along with its music video, feel like maybe he is talking about himself, or suicide in general... when in actuality it was written in memory of a friend who died of cancer.

The reality is he seemed to have a tortured youth, which led to substance misuse, self-loathing. Despite that (maybe because of his experience?) he became the lead singer of one of the biggest bands in the world. He always felt like a beacon of hope; an example of how you can't choose the hand you are dealt, but you can still follow your dreams. To hear of his death breaks down that construct in my head. I had the same experience with one of my closest friends... Another person who had been through the worst of life and seemed to pull through and find success/happiness... But ended up ending his own life. The meaning of their songs feels, in some ways, forever changed... Maybe even more intimate, and sincere, than we had ever imagined cranking up the volume after a day at school.

Stuck In A Rut (Again)

I appear to have got myself stuck in a rut, going from lots of little successes each day through learning, to spending most of my evenings pigging out on the sofa watching Vinesauce and Ricky Gervais. It is quite understandable; my Wednesday's and Thursdays away from home involve pretty strenuous work. Also, I've had some downers related to situations out of my control over the past few years (and how they impacted on some shitty decisions which were within my control, and my own responsibility).

Licensed under the CC0 License. From Pexels.

I think it's worth pointing out, to everyone, it's absolutely fine to feel like shit. Don't listen to these people who say "...for every negative there is a positive",  or to have a positive outlook rather than dwell on the negative. It implies that it is wrong to feel crap when nothing can be further from the truth. Feeling low is part of human emotions... And if you are depressed, feeling low is an inevitable outcome. Although there is research a positive frame of mind can make you feel more positive, there's also research that suggests a low mood and depression are likened to an inflammation of the brain... Feeling like shit because of depression is as natural as feeling in pain because someone punches you. This isn't about making light of depression and dismissing it as something casual, but rather about accepting there's no need to beat yourself up even further for feeling low and not doing anything to get out of that.

In a nutshell, you have every right to feel down. You have every right to do sod all when you get home from work (or, for those who sadly can't work, doing nothing while you're at home). Whether it's full-blown depression or even just feeling a little lazy, it's no-one else's business but your own. It seems linked with an obsession to always be doing or learning something new, to feel like you have something new to show off to others. But really, just focus on yourself. If you need another night chilling out watching TV, it could be just what you need in that moment.

Mental Health and Crises

This is a repost of a reply I made to Isabel Hardman's Post on Mental Health... The themes seem relevant, and I couldn't think of a way to word them better here so I decided to post it here verbatim, apart from a response to an unhelpful person who had left a comment.

I can’t quite relate to forgetting TV shows, but I can relate to feeling how bizarre it is that I feels being such a different person between crisis and “health”. For a number of years I had given up computer games, as I became more focused on really forcing myself to socialise and wanting to go out and do a lot more. About a year ago I had my own crisis, and after months of literally just staring into nothingness, I got myself out of that by playing games again. And for a while I was more hooked on being a gamer than I ever did as a teenager. Luckily, that’s a state that it’s then easier for me to improve on and as distraction from the hours of daring myself to keep on living… I can move from games to Duolingo or Khan Academy to get that same “instant reward” from small and measurable goals… Before I know it I’ve sunk 10 hours over a week into learning German. Then by then I’m back out of the door and able to work (with a gradual return). It’s that feeling where I don’t understand how playing a game is what I want out of my life in this moment, and yet knowing in those moments it can be my most important distraction, after a phone call to my doctor and friends.